Austin Meehaw, the imaginary playground bully

Robert on a playground, no doubt dreaming up imaginary bullies.

I hope there is no one named Austin Meehaw attending school at Colham Ferry Elementary School. If so, he’s likely found himself in a lot of unwarranted trouble in the past week or so, and it’s my sons’ fault.

Austin’s problems started one night when I was putting my youngest son to bed. I’d been laying in Robert’s bed reading to him, and when I finished reading we started to chat.

Out of the blue, Robert told me that a fourth grader at school had ripped the hair off another child’s head on the playground. Robert further told me that the culprit attends church with my parents. The story sounded a little suspicious to me, so I pressed Robert for details.

“What’s his name?” I asked.

“Austin,” Robert told me.

“What’s Austin’s last name?” I asked.

Robert was silent for a moment, then: “Mee …” pause “…haw.”

I laughed at that, but went along with the story. “Meehaw, huh? I wonder if your grandparents know them. What are Austin’s parent’s names?”

“Tom and Jerry,” Robert said.

“Like the cartoon?” I asked. “Are you sure?”

“No, that’s not their names,” Robert said. “Their names are Cellophane and Glass.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Cellophane and Glass Meehaw, huh? Those aren’t very common names.”

I got my phone so we could call my mother to see if she knew “Cellophane and Glass Meehaw” and their juvenile delinquent son “Austin Meehaw.” My mom wasn’t home, which disappointed me because I thought she’d get a kick out of Cellophane and Glass.

Robert was all grins and giggles now, proud that I was at least carrying through with the joke. “Robert,” I asked, “are you making up stories?”

“Yes,” he giggled.

“Did Austin Meehaw really rip the hair out of a kid’s head?”

“No,” he giggled.

“Are his parents’ names really Cellophane and Glass?”

“No,” he giggled.

“Is there really an Austin Meehaw?”

“No,” he giggled.

I’d thoroughly enjoyed the story Robert made-up, and was eager to share it with some people. After I finished putting Robert to bed, I shared the story with Jean and Robert’s older brother Nathan, who also attends Colham Ferry Elementary School. I started my retelling of the story by asking Nate if he knew Austin Meehaw.

Somehow, the story was interrupted before I was able to finish it. It wasn’t until Nathan went to bed that I got to the point in the story of Cellophane and Glass, and that’s when Jean realized this was all an elaborate story Robert had made up.

I didn’t think much more about Austin, Cellophane or Glass that next day. But at the dinner table that night, Jean and I teased Robert a little, asking if Austin “Mee … haw” had gotten into any more trouble.

“Where did you come up with the names Cellophane and Glass?” Jean asked Robert.

Nate saw us all laughing and he heard Jean mention that Robert had made up the names.

“Wait!” Nathan exclaimed. “He made that up?”

“Yeah, Nate,” I said. “Did I not tell you that?”

“No,” Nathan said with a look of dread on his face. “And I told my teacher about it!”

Nathan had provided Mrs. Calvo with enough evidence to convict Austin Meehaw, if there is such a person.

There was a moment’s silence as we all digested this information. Was there an actual Austin Meehaw at CFES? Had Nate spread a story among the teachers at school that the innocent but unluckily named Austin Meehaw was ripping kids’ hair out at the playground?

We could see the poor boy being called to the principal’s office, being interrogated by Mrs. Carson. Not guilty of the crime, Austin Meehaw would have remained adamant that he was unjustly accused. Perhaps Mrs. Carson would phone his parents? Probably not Cellophane and Glass, but maybe Tom and Jerri Meehaw?

Robert assured us that there is no Austin Meehaw, but Jean and I told Nate he might want to mention to his teacher that his brother made up the whole story, just in case.

 

This column, included in the collection of stories Four Things My Wife Hates About Mornings, was originally published in 2008.